I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
he looks great for his age
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets