Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
accurate
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead