At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If a snake ate a cake
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.