“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
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Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
sistine chapel
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me and the Superbowl rn
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence