Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.