Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
the three branches of government
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I WON A HAM TODAY
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!