SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
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Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
New Tinder profile.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.