Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
You Might Also Like
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Sorry. Not sorry
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.