If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.