And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.