Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
You Might Also Like
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad