If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
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Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Phones down.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody