Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
#gardening
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.