I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
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This made me smile…
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.