Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Some people were born into their job.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.