#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.