Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old