Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
This classic never gets old . . .
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
The news in a nutshell.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.