The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Namaste
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
No way!