Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Breaking news:
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*