me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.