someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Only short people can save us
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.