If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
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HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
#Caturday
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???