A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.