I’m putting together a team
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me