….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Confused owl: What?!
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.