the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina