I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Hamburger Hinderer.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Yup.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.