Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
dam girl
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies