Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
car not found
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me too door. Me too.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Seek kebab; not attention
My good tweets are in my other pants.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.