Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
FRED: right
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?