It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
🤣🤣🤣
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.