Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.