lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂