[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
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Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.