her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
How about daylight saves us for once
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“and how does that make you feel?”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”