Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
favorite tropes as memes
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
That was easy.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason