COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Skills
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.