For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
And that about sums it up.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No