Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”