Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith