You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.