*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
You Might Also Like
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”