Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*frowns in Scottish*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist