I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*