Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.