watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away