When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.