If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
You Might Also Like
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
love it when they get my name right
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird