Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.